I'm so fucking centered right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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