Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
