i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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