He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
