If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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