??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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