I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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