She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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