I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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