at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
