i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
