Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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