don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
