My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
