she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
