Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
