Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
