sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Vodka?
Forever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
