Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
