You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
