I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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