My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I will pee on everything he values.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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