I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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