can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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