I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
