I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
