Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
