I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
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