I need help removing her.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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