Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i think i just lost a toe
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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