I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
