i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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