**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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