Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
