I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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