Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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