bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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