the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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