So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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