he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
