We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
