Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"