when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
These tits shall not be calmed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...