I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
