Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.