The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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