the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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