It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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