Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
