I just saw a hot homeless man
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
