I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
