if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
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i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
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I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course