i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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