So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
