i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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