Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
