After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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