Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
