Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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