The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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